Where do we get the strength to go on?

I wake up this morning, and she has her shoes on; sign number one. Then says to me, "Don't get up just because I'm here," as in visiting; sign number two. She goes back to her room to read the paper, says she's so glad I'm here w/her and it breaks my heart, but I try to distance myself and say "Yes! Me too; I live here." "Oh this is YOUR place?" Poor Mom, I love you so much. And I'm supposed to go to work with her like this? No way.

Usually she just has to rest some more and her mind will reset itself. That happens often. But I've been in this trench long enough to know that there is NO help out there for me, or if it is it's damn slow in coming. We spend millions on those in Haiti, why can't some of that money be spent on the elderly here at home? Because money like that has to be managed, and we all know what I think about people in management.

Well at least I have vacation starting in two days, and that will be a relief for me. I have a feeling that my mom has been acting for me sometimes, so that I won't get upset. It's just a feeling, but I'm usually right, unfortunately.

This is the time when I wish I had a friend I could call later, someone who could come over and spend some time w/her and make sure she eats and is okay. But no, there is no one. It's a lonely walk I take with Mom, and I miss her when she's 'gone' like this. Lonely and solitary. But I will be with her until the end, she is my best friend as well as the best mother someone could ask for.