Today has not begun well. Other caregivers will nod and sympathize.

Last night my mom was fine when I got home, knew where she was, etc. Then she fell asleep for a few minutes and when she woke up she had THAT look on her face and in her eyes, looking around at everything, esp. at me and I thought, "Oh no." She said she was home, right? Right mom. "And we live together?" Yes mom. "Good, I don't want to be alone. Will you stay the night? Where's the phone, I want to call my daughter..."

Sigh. She fell asleep on the couch because she wanted to, so I took the bed, I was so cold. I found she had gotten up in the middle of the night and put a light blanket on me, so sweet! Then this morning she has her shoes on, same look in her eyes. Her brain needs to be reset. Lots of times this will happen when she takes a nap, even a short one. She'll be fine again.

It's days like today that I have to remind myself of my New Year's resolution to say Yes to life, to not let this thing get me down or beat me. I have no way of fighting it. All I can do is give her the best care that I can. Try not to focus on the fact that my phone remains silent. No one calls, barely even family. My sister tends to place blame on other family members who don't call, but I pointed out to her that not even HER daughter calls to see how 'Gram' is doing.

I don't blame these people, they all have jobs and kids and husbands to take care of. (Men out there, don't frown!) Besides, I've gotten used to it. I love them and that's what's important to me. Not WHO did what, esp if it's out of guilt. That's not right.

What's been hardest to fathom is a friend who has been through this and NEVER calls or takes my calls anymore. Asked her to help several times, just to stop by and make sure Mom has had a sandwich, and she says she can't, due to her own overpowering illness. Then I call her the next day and she's out shopping at Walmart. WHAT? Even asked her on the phone to stay friends through this. I told her that going through this has been hard because she hasn't been there for me to speak to.

So I turn to the net and strangers and hopefully new friends. Not all of my old friends are like this. On a happier note, I found a diary entry from when I was seeing a grief counselor, and this same friend had not contacted me for months. Counselor said (I am SO glad I wrote this down!), "I just think it's kind of ridiculous for you to be codependent on someone who is so dysfunctional." Wow! Yes I know.

So I just fed Mom and gave her her meds and hopefully she'll have some more sleep. I have to run to the courthouse today to take care of a traffic ticket, and am afraid to bring her. Bill Gates, will you please create a caregiving agency for free? Sorry, that just came to me!

Okay here it is, just a few minutes later, and she is herself again. Bright eyed and bushy tailed Mom! I asked her, "Are you with me?" and this is our code with each other, she knows I'm asking are YOU there? So she rattles off "Yes, I'm in my home with my lovely daughter and my address is such and such." I say, "Okay, stop showing off," and we laugh. I change it up sometimes, because she might just be telling me answers she's memorized (pun intended) to keep ME calm.

That's an amazing thing about my mom. In the middle of sundowning, in the middle of dementia and old age, she seeks to comfort me. How self sacrificing is that? Thank you Lord, for giving her to me!

What I Learned By Being Offline For Eight Weeks!

Hello Everyone! I've been on the net since 1993, totally addicted. When people ask me 'what is it about computers that fascinates you' I tell them that the Internet is like a big electronic book, and it just goes on and on.

So when my laptop was given a death certificate by my computer guys, I took my time. I had out of state family visiting to help me with my mom, who has dementia and also had suffered a fall. More on that later. I finally decided on a desktop, as I never really took the laptop anywhere. I am now considered modern and up to date, with much faster equipment and a faster connection. Yay!

So my usual routine was to come home, eat, spend time with family, then hit the Internet. I'd open up my chat room for background noise and surf away, checking emails in several accounts, looking at celebrity gossip and also looking for online support groups for dementia. I didn't really find any.

Not being on a computer gave me a lot of free time to think about other things. They don't call it the 'web' for nothing, you really DO get drawn in. Log on to do an email and pay a bill and the next thing you know you're running late for work! I used my cell phone to check my email. It was frustrating to see that people had sent e-cards or pictures, but I knew I'd be seeing them soon.

I guess the most important thing that I learned is that I could live my life (such as it is) without being on a computer 24/7 and still function. I spent time with people, began journaling again, watched more television and spent time with Mom. Saw "Julie/Julia", which made my mind say hey, what are you waiting for? Who cares about privacy anyway, just blog!

Right now I just finished watching "The Notebook" and I am tired. I will go into my mom's condition later. I want to use the net to offer help to others who have to care for their loved ones as I do, with very little help. It's a scary thing being alone, but I have gone through the dark tunnel of beginning to deal with dementia and have come out the other side with the light upon my face, more positive, knowing that even though there is no cure for this, I will survive it and be okay. Believe me, there have been times that I felt my own life was over...